Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
