is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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