Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
my poor anus
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
