I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
