Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize