I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize