if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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