Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
