So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize