Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
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