you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
