Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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