I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
