Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
