Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
