the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
