Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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