I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
