Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize