he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
