I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
