i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
