my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
