i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
