with your own penis?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
