Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
