i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
