your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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