he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
