I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
