Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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