i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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