So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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