Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
