Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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