Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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