I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He did a backflip because drugs
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize