Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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