Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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