Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
