he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
