my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize