they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
