Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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