i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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