"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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