the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize