my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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