he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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