I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
