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She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
