I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
