Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
