Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
