Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
