I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
