i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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