woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
