The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
