I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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