just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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