just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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