god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
