I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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