it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
