Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
