I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
