This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
