Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize